Is Anyone Out There?

Sometimes I find myself at a crossroad; I'd spend hours on end wondering what to think of myself, of the world, and of the people who surround me. Sometimes I will just sit in the dark and wonder how I got here. Sometimes I wonder, despite all these people whose voices echoing in my head shatter the echoes of silence that fill the room. I often will think to myself, "Hey, maybe it's not so bad. Maybe being alone in a crowded room is a good thing." But then I open my eyes, and there's no one there.

Those voices are all in your head.

"They may be in my head," I find myself saying. "But that doesn't mean they aren't real."

You need to stop talking to yourself.

I'm not. I'm talking to them.

Who are you trying to convince? There's no-one-out-there.

They are right after all. There is no one out there. And the people in here aren't really people. They're just voices.

We're not even really voices; we're echoes of the silence lingering in your mind.

Silence…

It’s Been Awhile

I haven't blogged here in a long time. In fact, I don't even remember why I stopped. Maybe I'm just nostalgic, but I feel like I'm just not done here.

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about where I want to be next. Not where I want to be in the future, or where I want to be now. It seems like I'm constantly looking for that next step in life, but it's not so much that. It seems more like I'm trying to get away from the right now…

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And the announcer called in a mocking tone: "Next up, the player with the lowest batting average in the entire league…"

What Makes Life Such A Blessing?

Today, many people get to spend the day off, being with family, enjoying turkey, mashed potatoes, giving thanks for all that they've been given.

For me, Thanksgiving is about being thankful every day. It's about constantly counting my blessings, and always taking advantage of the time, because it's really a blessing. It's about saying thanks to God for each moment of life; the joys, the pains, the just plain silly times.

Lately, I've been counting my blessings a lot, and it seems like everything I've gone through lately is a blessing.

Lord, thank you for the love you're constantly giving, the people you're putting in to my life, and for the life that I have. Lord, without the blessings filling my life, I would not be who I am. It's because of the service, the devotion that I have to your people and to you, that I am as true to my goal as I've ever been. Lord, there really is a countless number of blessings, and I want to pray in thanksgiving for them. Amen.

Here Am I, Send Me

Lord, lately, I've been more and more compelled to serve you, in every way I can. I want to stand and proclaim who you are, what you mean to me, the love you constantly give and fill me with. Lord, in every possible way, I want to lift myself to truly stand in spirit for you, because right now, all I can do is remain on my knees and worship. Lord, I need your guidance. I need you to fill me and give me the heart of a servant, willing to serve you, willing to say "Here Am I, Send Me!"

I want to proclaim the love of Jesus, in all I do and say. Lord, I want to go to the ends of the earth, and rise up for you my King. Lord, I don't know how to do it, but give me the strength and the guidance, and send me Lord, I'm ready to do your will. Truly Lord, I want to do your will, no matter what may come my way, because your life-giving breath is worth all the effort, for I truly am not worth, but ask to be made so, to serve you all the days of my life.

Amen.

Reflembering...

Why "Reflembering"? Part of it is an inside joke. (Migs, let's see if you can decipher it!)

Today was amazing. I honestly don't remember having a day like this, where so much happened, that to count my blessings would be way too hard.

Today was like the kind of day that hit me in one go. The best way to express it is this; you never really know how much God is blessing you, unless you just let Him. And once you know, then you can truly take the time out, to pray and be thankful for it. Honestly, it's one of the greatest feelings in the world, knowing how much He blesses you, and all I can do is just pray in thanksgiving.

Lord, I want to thank you for the gift of today. Thank you for the gift of the past few days, where I could really see your light shining into my life. Lately Lord, I've more and more seen the gifts your love is giving. As much as we're constantly swamped with things that keep us down, I want to keep my heart set on the blessings you're constantly pouring over me, the Heaven you've placed before me, and the love you've filled in me.

Amen.

A Blast From the Past

"How do you feel?" "WE FEEL SO GOOD! OH! WE FEEL SO GOOD OH!"

Oh man. After today, I doubt I'll ever get back to working on assignments. See, today was a candidate speech for the SCSU elections. I honestly don't even care if I don't win, but I learned something from today, that if memories are all you've got, the good ones are the ones that make you smile. I haven't been so cheerful in a long time.

I've been thinking a lot today, about how some friendships really are forever. As much as people try to prove against it, I've got one that seems to be built on a strong foundation. I know it sounds corny, but from the moment she and I met,we were inseparable. We still are. Only now, we're bringing out the best (and worst?) in each other, but having this race against each other in the elections.

Laura, if you're reading this, I'm so thankful to have met you as a friend. After today, I see how truly valuable your friendship is to me. We've been there through it all, since university began. I've enjoyed every moment we've been together, and heck, perhaps I am being a total sap, but I want you to know, no matter which way this thing turns out, one thing will never change; no regrets from me.

The Power of Sin

Lately, I've seen what sin can do to a human life. In fact, I've actually experienced it more and more lately.

Part of what I've been through is the pain of having the power to choose to change. And I have changed. I've changed more than I would ever imagine myself changing. The sad part about it is that even after changing, I'm growing more isolated from people.

I know I must be doing something wrong. I know that, I probably shouldn't isolate myself as I grow in holiness. I am changing. I hadn't realized it but more and more lately, I have been changing. I'm regretting every sin I've made, and I'm becoming more and more repentant of them everyday. I'm facing temptations, and while I am holding most of them, pushing them away, I can't say I've got it made.

I'm really starting to see what Adam and Eve did, and what it was that makes us so weak as humans. Realizing sin leads to shame, and shame to weakness. Lately, I've been so tired. Part of it is because I've tried to be as good as I can, and yet the weight of my sins is overwhelming.

Lord, help me bear this cross, because I know that that's the only way. To live in love for you, and to follow you, to walk with you as you carry my sin in my place. Help me find victory and strength by turning to you. Amen.