Learning to Let Go

The thing is, lately, I've tried to figure out how to fix things. I realize that it was never open for my heart to connect. I've honestly never known how to fix things. It was never me. I realize that now.

When I've been able to help people successfully, it's always been because I honestly want to see them getting closer to God, to see them happy, to be able to heal them. I realize that when I've tried to help them, because I want to get close to them, it's never helped the situation.

Taking this into consideration, I did a bit of research. I found out what my Guardian Angel's name is, and looked at what his attributes are. His name means "God who heals." In every aspect of my life, it's like he has been meshed with my spirit by God. It's exactly as it is; God allows me to heal people's hearts when it's for Him, that's when I can be most successful. Otherwise, I'll end up failing to heal them at all.

So, today, my invocation through my angel, the Archangel Raphael, and prayer to God, is this:

God, I am far too often influenced by what others think of me. I am always pretending to be either richer or smarter or nicer than I really am. Please prevent me from trying to attract attention. Don’t let me gloat over praise on one hand or be discouraged by criticism on the other. Nor let me waste time weaving imaginary situations in which the most heroic, charming, witty person present is myself. Show me how to be humble of heart, like you. Let me be me, and over all, serve You, for You.

Amen.

Passion

Okay, so here's the deal.

Today, during the lecture on Islam, the prof. taught something really touching. The funny thing is, it deals with my own spiritual growth too. A woman named Rabi'ah al-Adawiyah came up with the idea that for Islam religion, that loving God goes beyond just spiritual love, but involves the passionate love for God, as we have for our husbands, wives, girlfriends or boyfriends. I realized as I heard that, that passion, as imperfect as we are, is what we love with.

"Loving God isn't perfect, until it is filled with what is most imperfect about us - our love; the passionate love we share with the ones we say we love in our lives."

It's all about the passion. Lord, fill me with a passion to love you, and make it imperfect, but perfect through you.

Amen

What's With the Weather?

Okay, so the weather is very unpleasant, but in some ways, it's also quite nice. What I think though, is that people can get affected easily by the heat. I've been out of happy lately, and believe me, it's not the most pleasant experience.

I've either been hallucinating, or just plain crazy, but people have been odd these past days. It's like no one wants me to trust them. What's more, it's like no one wants me near them.

Is this just me?

I have no opinion on that matter. Heck, I don't really care that much at all. What matters to me right now, is just that I survive this summer.

So today I was out biking today. I saw a few interesting things. First, was bird feathers all over the ground. I picked them up, and released them into the pond. What was cool was how they stuck together, with nothing holding them together. I wish people were like that. I know it'll never be though.

Secondly, I saw school kids playing, at the local school. What made that so interesting was the fact that they manage to stay so close, because of their innocence. Maybe I'm just rambling. Maybe none of this actually matters at all. Who knows?

Anyway, my prayer today is that people will find sanity in this insane weather.

Amen.

The image of a tree that looks like an anteater from Dr. Suess

It's Simple.

Let God.

Amen.

Listen...

Listen to the words of the song currently playing. It's called "Shadow Feet" by Brooke Fraser. I was listening to it, and realized that at this point of my life, it should be my anthem. Its a song that says, even though I'm going through so much in my life, so much stress, so much self-blame, so much remorse, I'm still firm on God's love.

"When the world is falling out from under me,
I'll be found in you, still standing.
Every fear and accusation under my feet,
when time and space are through,
I'll be found in you."

Lord, I pray that I'll forever root myself in you, no matter what I go through, that I find your love as my main drive.

Amen.

Sometimes, I Think About Problems...

Problems with people...

Somehow, I realize, my one problem with people is really, just getting too close. I came to that conclusion today, that, when I try to get close with people, it only falls apart. It's so frustrating sometimes, that its like putting a 3D puzzle together, using a balloon as a support, and nothing to keep the pieces together with. It falls apart, or I put too much and it pops in my face. Then I realize there aren't that many people I actually can connect with. And to be honest, I find that every single time I try to get close, my heart darkens, tries to keep people out.

I guess that's why I blog - to get things out, to open up, in a way that I can't anywhere else. It's not that I'm not willing to share. But it seems like every time I put my trust in a friend who may share what I share; a faith in God, or just find someone to turn to, I end up losing their trust. Sometimes, I end up being alone, again. I can never figure out how to keep a close friend close. Funny eh?

Worst part about it is, even my secular friends are honestly closer to me than people who claim to be close to me.

I personally don't know whether or not it matters any more. But at least, now some people understand why I blog.

Lord, I pray you give me grace to accept the way people are, to forgive, to love, to understand, and most of all, to move on.

Amen.

What an interesting summer.

Every time I ask myself what I've done, the answer seems to be nothing. Nothing but go to school, write poetry, spend time talking to friends and pray. Little did I realize, though, that these four things make up who I am. Little did I realize that without these things, I'd be nothing.

With school, I'm taking religion and English this summer. Focusing more on religion, I realize that I've learned so much from the profs already, and I'm not even halfway through. One thing I try to keep in mind is that taking these classes is really just a way for me to open my eyes to insights on different religions, and I try to keep in mind that that is exactly why I'm taking them.

Poetry seems to be quite important for me lately. I've been writing a lot of poetry myself, showing, not really to others, but more for myself, that which I am, and that which I love most.

A writer's love is his inspiration.

I believe that to be true. Everything I've written about, is the kind of thing you'd find me sitting quietly and appreciating. Poetry, as I've come to see this summer, is a part of me that is inextricable.

With friends, I seem to have found those who are true friends, and those who aren't. I've realized that it's really all about the way I connect to them, heart to heart. It's taught me to choose my friends through prayer, through faith, and through God's guidance.

And lastly, I have prayer. Every bored, empty, sad, or happy moment, where I could spare a breath in my heart, I would pray - a prayer of thanksgiving, a prayer of apology, an prayer of rejoicing song. It's important for me to keep my prayer in mind.

So I realize, even though it seems like nothing this summer, I realize it actually is a lot, I'm just not making the best of it.

Lord, teach me to make the most of the blessings you give, and fulfill it through your mission for me, and let your will be done.

Amen.