Is Anyone Out There?

Sometimes I find myself at a crossroad; I'd spend hours on end wondering what to think of myself, of the world, and of the people who surround me. Sometimes I will just sit in the dark and wonder how I got here. Sometimes I wonder, despite all these people whose voices echoing in my head shatter the echoes of silence that fill the room. I often will think to myself, "Hey, maybe it's not so bad. Maybe being alone in a crowded room is a good thing." But then I open my eyes, and there's no one there.

Those voices are all in your head.

"They may be in my head," I find myself saying. "But that doesn't mean they aren't real."

You need to stop talking to yourself.

I'm not. I'm talking to them.

Who are you trying to convince? There's no-one-out-there.

They are right after all. There is no one out there. And the people in here aren't really people. They're just voices.

We're not even really voices; we're echoes of the silence lingering in your mind.

Silence…

It’s Been Awhile

I haven't blogged here in a long time. In fact, I don't even remember why I stopped. Maybe I'm just nostalgic, but I feel like I'm just not done here.

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about where I want to be next. Not where I want to be in the future, or where I want to be now. It seems like I'm constantly looking for that next step in life, but it's not so much that. It seems more like I'm trying to get away from the right now…

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And the announcer called in a mocking tone: "Next up, the player with the lowest batting average in the entire league…"

What Makes Life Such A Blessing?

Today, many people get to spend the day off, being with family, enjoying turkey, mashed potatoes, giving thanks for all that they've been given.

For me, Thanksgiving is about being thankful every day. It's about constantly counting my blessings, and always taking advantage of the time, because it's really a blessing. It's about saying thanks to God for each moment of life; the joys, the pains, the just plain silly times.

Lately, I've been counting my blessings a lot, and it seems like everything I've gone through lately is a blessing.

Lord, thank you for the love you're constantly giving, the people you're putting in to my life, and for the life that I have. Lord, without the blessings filling my life, I would not be who I am. It's because of the service, the devotion that I have to your people and to you, that I am as true to my goal as I've ever been. Lord, there really is a countless number of blessings, and I want to pray in thanksgiving for them. Amen.

Here Am I, Send Me

Lord, lately, I've been more and more compelled to serve you, in every way I can. I want to stand and proclaim who you are, what you mean to me, the love you constantly give and fill me with. Lord, in every possible way, I want to lift myself to truly stand in spirit for you, because right now, all I can do is remain on my knees and worship. Lord, I need your guidance. I need you to fill me and give me the heart of a servant, willing to serve you, willing to say "Here Am I, Send Me!"

I want to proclaim the love of Jesus, in all I do and say. Lord, I want to go to the ends of the earth, and rise up for you my King. Lord, I don't know how to do it, but give me the strength and the guidance, and send me Lord, I'm ready to do your will. Truly Lord, I want to do your will, no matter what may come my way, because your life-giving breath is worth all the effort, for I truly am not worth, but ask to be made so, to serve you all the days of my life.

Amen.

Reflembering...

Why "Reflembering"? Part of it is an inside joke. (Migs, let's see if you can decipher it!)

Today was amazing. I honestly don't remember having a day like this, where so much happened, that to count my blessings would be way too hard.

Today was like the kind of day that hit me in one go. The best way to express it is this; you never really know how much God is blessing you, unless you just let Him. And once you know, then you can truly take the time out, to pray and be thankful for it. Honestly, it's one of the greatest feelings in the world, knowing how much He blesses you, and all I can do is just pray in thanksgiving.

Lord, I want to thank you for the gift of today. Thank you for the gift of the past few days, where I could really see your light shining into my life. Lately Lord, I've more and more seen the gifts your love is giving. As much as we're constantly swamped with things that keep us down, I want to keep my heart set on the blessings you're constantly pouring over me, the Heaven you've placed before me, and the love you've filled in me.

Amen.

A Blast From the Past

"How do you feel?" "WE FEEL SO GOOD! OH! WE FEEL SO GOOD OH!"

Oh man. After today, I doubt I'll ever get back to working on assignments. See, today was a candidate speech for the SCSU elections. I honestly don't even care if I don't win, but I learned something from today, that if memories are all you've got, the good ones are the ones that make you smile. I haven't been so cheerful in a long time.

I've been thinking a lot today, about how some friendships really are forever. As much as people try to prove against it, I've got one that seems to be built on a strong foundation. I know it sounds corny, but from the moment she and I met,we were inseparable. We still are. Only now, we're bringing out the best (and worst?) in each other, but having this race against each other in the elections.

Laura, if you're reading this, I'm so thankful to have met you as a friend. After today, I see how truly valuable your friendship is to me. We've been there through it all, since university began. I've enjoyed every moment we've been together, and heck, perhaps I am being a total sap, but I want you to know, no matter which way this thing turns out, one thing will never change; no regrets from me.

The Power of Sin

Lately, I've seen what sin can do to a human life. In fact, I've actually experienced it more and more lately.

Part of what I've been through is the pain of having the power to choose to change. And I have changed. I've changed more than I would ever imagine myself changing. The sad part about it is that even after changing, I'm growing more isolated from people.

I know I must be doing something wrong. I know that, I probably shouldn't isolate myself as I grow in holiness. I am changing. I hadn't realized it but more and more lately, I have been changing. I'm regretting every sin I've made, and I'm becoming more and more repentant of them everyday. I'm facing temptations, and while I am holding most of them, pushing them away, I can't say I've got it made.

I'm really starting to see what Adam and Eve did, and what it was that makes us so weak as humans. Realizing sin leads to shame, and shame to weakness. Lately, I've been so tired. Part of it is because I've tried to be as good as I can, and yet the weight of my sins is overwhelming.

Lord, help me bear this cross, because I know that that's the only way. To live in love for you, and to follow you, to walk with you as you carry my sin in my place. Help me find victory and strength by turning to you. Amen.

So, today was definitely a keeper...

Truly, it was. After a long day, burned arms, tense neck, 13 hours of being in school, and being sick in the midst of it all, I was blessed.

I was actually able to reconnect with old friends, catch glimpses of the faces of close friends, meet new friends, and grow. At least in some confident sense.

What had me most was an email I had never expected to get. Anyways, to make a long story short. It showed me that truly, God is never going to let you suffer, for what He doesn't intend to repay.

On that note, my week was way too long. Tomorrow will be long too, unfortunately. Anyways, I'd write more, but I'm really tired, so I won't.

Lord, tonight, after a day like this, I can only be thankful that, even in my hardest times, you show me love. With the people, the support, the fearlessness you've given me to carry on, I know I will continue to praise you. I want to thank you for the people I've had a chance to reconnect with today. I hadn't really noticed how, in every single one of my friends, lies a continual support and hope bourne of you, and Lord, I just want to make this prayer tonight, my own. After the stresses, the pains, the hurts, the loneliness, you've given me people who care more about me than I ever could imagine. And so, with this prayer as my own, I call out to you Lord, that you never let me go. Lord, your love, is a shadow; it covers me and leads me on in a safety - your love. Lord, I never want to lose your love, so I promise that with all you've given me today, I will forever praise your mercy, I will forever give my all.

Amen.

A Sign of Hope? or A Sign to be Scared?

Okay, so something really, really ambiguously odd happened last night; I can't say in case it might start something, but I don't know what to do.

I'm not sure if I should find hopeful serenity in what happened, or if I should think nothing of it, or even to think it a bad sign. It's really confusing, and some answers are needed. I'm trying to get to the bottom of it, but so far, no luck and I don't see why it could have happened if not for the one feeling that would bring me hope.

I guess that's part of human nature, is to be afraid of the unlikely, and to hope for only good. I guess that's what I see, is the idealist's view of events.

Please Lord, help me  see hope, but above that, the truth, in what's happening. Deep down, I'm really scared, and worried, and most of all uncertain. I would like to hope for the best, to have hope in you, but I can't do that if I'm not even sure where I stand on the matter. I would like for my hope in you, to result in your glorious love shining through, and to be certain of that no matter what, to be firm in my pray, knowing what I ask will be granted. But alas Lord, I'm human. I have no power over you. The world is your domain. And I know your acts are sometimes tests of faith and obedience to you, and so, grant faith, that it may be received to serve you...

Amen.

Brave New Utopia?

I was reading Sir Thomas More's Utopia and Aldous Huxley's Brave New World as of late, and I came to one realization.

Huxley is a biter.

Well, okay, it's not that bad, but Brave New World seems to have far too much in common with Utopia that it probably isn't just a coincidence. Anyways, for what it's worth, I learned a few things about society.

In far too many cases, it's actually impossible to work with what we have and instantly have a perfect society. Ironically, where it does make sense is that if we worked for it, it actually is possible. More says that the key to utopia, as well as Huxley, is that everything needs to be mutual. "Everyone belongs to everyone." The contrast I pulled out of it, was mainly that Brave New World really shows it in a light of impractical insanity, where one "misfit" would screw up the system, and is thus sent far away, where his sense of "self" wouldn't harm the operation.

I'm actually really drawn in by the similarities and what they say, but I'm really eager to look for more in the meaning of things.

tcGb.

What makes it so hard to do...

So today was the second day of classes. The reason I'm taking time out to blog right now, is that, today, every single time I wrote the date, I stop, and think about what's happened, and the fact that, all because of this day, 6 years ago, we lost thousands of lives in North America. A few of the lives lost that day were Canadians. When I got home, my parents were watching the news, and they were talking about a ceremony in Toronto, held for the victims.

I guess the other side of the coin is this; I remember a story about the man who saved many lives, but the sacrifices made to do so. The plane on its way for the White House, hijacked by Al-Qaeda members, was re-directed by a man who, before taking the risk to momentarily take control of the jet, was on the phone with an operator, whom he asked to join him in praying the Apostles' Prayer: The Our Father.

What many people have learned, if in the hardest way possible, is that sacrifice happens, because of the love they have for God's creation. The man who redirected the plane, he sacrificed his, and 39 other people's lives, to save what could have been the world. Almost astonishing, to think of that as a sacrifice in this age, almost comparable to Jesus. But maybe that man learned something about God some of us still lack: that Jesus' love lives in all of us, and at a moment's notice, we should all be willing to love like He did, willing to risk our lives, because we love all of His creation. I personally took out from it that it's times like these that are blessings the most, in disguise, because we know God is there, as hard as it is to see. God is testing us, in some way.

Watching a video online one time, I remember hearing about the meaning of "Namaste," the Indian greeting among brothers, sisters, neighbors, and everyone you meet. It means roughly "That which is from God in me greets that which is from God in you." It really hits hard, that perhaps these events are planned out, so that we can see what God has placed in us for each other. I know I've seen it; it's the light of faith, hope and love. It's the light which we're supposed to let shine, in the name of Love, in the name of God.

Lord, today, I want to pray that we all learn to find that light from you, that you placed in us. I want to ask that whatever we do, we will shout your praise, sing your fame, and shine, with the light of your love for us.

Amen.

p.s. Here's just a couple of links to videos I found really nice to watch, for the faithful hearted Christian, or the regular Christian.

1. Rev. Tom Honey Talks about God: Could God have allowed the Tsunami?

2. The Hope

"The End is Near."

There's a story about two preachers who were fishing by a riverbank when a man drove up and stopped short upon seeing a handwritten sign they had obviously erected: "The End Is Near. Turn Around." "Hey, I don't appreciate that kind of blatant sermonizing," the man shouted to the fishing clerics, and he drove on in a huff. A few moments later came the sound of screeching tires followed by a loud splash. "I told you we should have written 'Bridge Out Ahead,'" said one preacher to another. (Taken from "A Teen's Guide to Christian Living")

The story comes from the section of the book mentioned, entitled "What is (and isn't) sin?" I guess the irony in the story comes from how we're all like that at times. We see something that might somewhat be connect to God, say we don't appreciate it being publicized like that, and end up in a trap. A part of me wants to say I've never gone through this, but I can't help but be honest about it. Everyone's gone through this type of thing. One moment, we see someone professing their faith more prominently than us, evangelizing, speaking out. All of us have reacted even to ourselves being like that, calling it an embarrassment to who we are, to what we call ourselves. The fact is though, most, if not all of us do this. We all run headlong into life's traps, ignoring God, ignoring what God wants, going after all that we want.

Part of it is about ignoring the "doom and gloom" story of the end being near, not preparing for it in prayer, and living life for the moment. Living is okay, but if all you do is live and party, soon, that's who you become: someone who doesn't know God, unprepared for the "Rapture" at the end of time. 

Another lesson comes of Hope - hope and faith in God. I bring this up remembering the YFC conference theme for this year. In Corinthians, Paul writes "God is faithful: He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it" (1 Cor. 10:13).

For me, this quotation has to do with God and how much you're willing to trust Him. Personally, I've been put through way too much by God, and yet, I'm still here, stronger in heart than I've ever been. My strength comes because God's shown me the very limits of what I can go through, and I've been to my near breaking point. These days, I'm still recovering, because I know there's still more that needs to be done, that I'm not back at my peak. It's funny how God can take you from your highest of highs, and drop you to the lowest of lows.

Lord God, my prayer today is that we learn to live according to your will, obedient to everything, eyes, ears and hearts ever open and attentive to your words. Lord, because we're constantly falling into traps, and losing hope, give us peace in our hearts, to trust you, to know you are there. Guide us to your will.

Amen.

**If you're interested, the book I've read, and drew upon for this blog is called "A Teen's Guide to Christian Living." It's co-authored by Bettie B. Youngs, Jennifer Leigh Youngs and Debbie Thurman.

If Just One...

I was reminded of a song today, while blogging and looking through other random sites. The thing that came out to me about this song was when I once shared a talk with a brother of mine. I guess the one thing is, for him, the idea of humility is key. The one thing I remember talking to him about was service, and what he taught me was what the song said:

"If just one should find their way then it's been worth the while."

The song is Clay Aiken's "Go the Distance", and it's a song that is sung in two narrative voices primarily: Jesus, and the singer. It's about being a change in the world, no matter how small the difference. It also kind of reminded me of YFC's C4 Mission and Vision. We're constantly being challenged by the odds, called to make even the smallest difference in the world, to glorify Him.

Aside from that, I guess the song really reminded me that, regardless of size, a blessing is a blessing from God.

Lord God, help us to realize that every single success is a victory for us, granted by your will. Keep us firm in faith, and realize that even the smallest step is a great victory for you O Lord, and always remind us that our humility will only prove to glorify you in our hearts.

Amen.

New Link Update

Hey all.

This post is just an update regarding the new link on my link list (to the right). It's basically a blogspot and every now and again (hopefully daily) I'll be posting a chapter from the book, and you're all free to read it. The link to it is on the right side, directly under "Blogs" so, feel free to visit.

tcGb

When God Chooses to Answer Our Prayers...

Picture taken from: http://tammy-a.blogspot.com/

God chooses to answer our prayers on His time. I've always learned that everything would happen in God's time, according to God's will. For me, it was through wanting to go to conference. I don't know when I actually will get to, but I'm sure if God's will is for me to go, then at the right moment, He will guide me. A lot of it has been because of my impatience, that I've learned. When you think about the phrase; "Patience is a virtue," it's clear what it means - waiting for God's will to provide what it needs to, in God's time.

Heavenly Father, I pray we learn to be patient, to accept that everything is according to your will, and will happen in your time. For this, I pray in the name of Jesus Christ the Lord. Amen.

Paradise

"Victory and triumph to the Son of God,
Now entering his great duel, not of arms,
But to vanquish by wisdom hellish wiles!
The Father knows the Son; therefore secure
Ventures his filial virtue, though untried,
Against whate'er may tempt, whate'er seduce,
Allure, or terrify, or  undermine.
Be frustrate, all ye stratagems of Hell,
And, devilish machinations, come to nought!"
                                (Paradise Regained, Bk. 1., 173 - 181)

The interesting thing about life, I think I've said before, is that you never stop learning. One thing I've learned over the past few days is something about paradise. In Milton's Paradise poems, Paradise Lost and Paradise Regained, we find long and in depth analysis into the fall and redemption of humanity. The quotation above comes from Paradise Regained, and is an echoing of the Gloria of Heaven. Though the language used in this passage is powerful, it is intentionally reflective of the power of God versus Satan.

I think for me, I've learned to trust that God will always be victorious. The fact is, Paradise Regained is about how after we've fallen, the one way to get back up, is to accept that we have fallen, and to see the opportunities we have to rise again, and the people who are there to help. It's about seeing, that before we can reach paradise in Heaven, before we can achieve that paradise - we lost the paradise we live in now, and we have to regain it first; we have to regain the paradise in which we live, by looking and what it really is worth, and working to see it as the paradise it is, through the environment, the people, and the blessings we have.

Lord, this is my prayer, that your will be done, that your kingdom come, through our hearts, through our minds, through the works of Your hand.

Amen.

So This "Studying" Thing Kind of Stinks...

I'd like very much to rather NOT do it, but what choice do I have? Maybe I'm just really tired. I guess I'm really going to have to focus tomorrow. Anyways, what's new with me lately?

First off, studying has been keeping my mind off my heart. I've kinda let my imagination run wild again. I've been dreaming crazy dreams (if you call it dreaming!) and writing down my craziest thoughts. My room is finally clean (sort of..) and I'm almost all set for the upcoming school year. The weather's been really nice here, not as hot as it has been lately. I guess this time of year, although hectic, has been kind of a blessing.

It's been really nice to get back in touch, and realize that beyond all this is a sense that after all I've gone through, I'm still just me.

On a sadder note, it's been almost two weeks since Christina disappeared. As usual, she's still in my prayers, and all of us miss her. It's incredible the effect she's had on us with all she's been through with us. But at this stage, what's more amazing is how people are being called to pray together, which proves to me how awesome a community is, when God uses a single person to speak. And so, I'd like to end this blog as usual, with a prayer.

Lord God, there are so many things in our lives that we need to pray for, but only in your time, only according to your will. Lord, we want to thank you for the chance to grow together in prayer, and to know that you truly are present. We want to pray in thanksgiving for every blessing, as well as every trial, you've given us. We also want to pray, for the people who are going through tough times, that they keep faith in you, that they never let go of their focus, and that their hearts remain forever yours. Lord, most of all, we want to pray for the CFC YFC Conference happening this weekend, that it be a blessing and inspiration to everyone, that it shows people the real meaning of "Call for Hope," that they never lose hope in You, knowing you will bring Christina home, wherever that is for her now. Amen.

Lesson Two

Yeah, I know. But I'm running out of titles. Besides, what does it matter?

Anyways, so I know I need to get my head back in reality. I'm clearly not alright here. The thing is, my life as it stands, is doing a 180 degree flip on me. I can hardly keep up.

So I guess this lesson is really to expect the unexpected. I sure didn't. I should have at least known it would go crazy on me. Man, nothing's working out!

Lord, I pray that things be alright again...whatever that is. I just wish I knew what it is you're planning, and why it has to be such a roller coaster ride for me. If it is your will Lord, then guide me.

Amen.

Lesson One

With all that's been happening, I realize that I can put things together. Reading Mitch Albom's The Five People You Meet In Heaven and putting it together with recent events, I know that this much is true:

"This is the greatest gift God can give you: to understand what happened in your life. To have it explained. It is the peace you have been searching for." - The Five People You Meet In Heaven

The thing is, after putting these things together, I realize that each person has their own lessons in a critical situation. My first, is to be thankful for everything, and hopeful for things to come.

To be thankful

What I think this means is that we need to accept that all that has happened is God's will, and perfect timing. It's funny, when you think about how much you say "I", and never "we." But I guess, even through the bad times, we need to be thankful. At the very least, for the experiences gained. The worst possible situation will give us something nice, if we keep praying, and remain thankful and accepting, and as much as we try to hide, does result in equivalent exchange.

To be hopeful

This is something else altogether. It's not like we can feel hope, because, the way most people use the word, is "have hope." It's like something we can grab and hold on to, or to let go of. Hope is, remaining faithful in times of tribulation. The imagery I most often associate with hope comes from a show I used to watch as a child.

"The light inside is hope." and "Hope continues to shine no matter darkness tries to hide it."

Hope is a shining light, that is always there. "Have hope."

The one thing learned most of all for me, is that having hope and being thankful will give you a peace inside, knowing that God has given you His greatest gift: understanding and knowing that everything will be okay.

Amen.

I Realize That It's Been A While

I haven't had much chance to update lately. I guess I haven't really given myself a chance to. I suppose with all that's happening, I haven't wanted to.

Lately, I think I've been trying to get away from certain people, avoid doing certain things. I've had a heart of humility and servitude, and I guess I just didn't want those people to spoil it. Heck, I'm only human, and sometimes, I don't even understand what I'm doing. But there are always going to be people I have to hide from. I'm not one of those perky, always happy type people, who isn't afraid of telling everyone how they feel. Actually, I am afraid of telling people how I feel. Sometimes how I feel shouldn't be how I feel, and so I hide. Sometimes, how I feel will burden other people, so I refuse to talk.

Although it's been a long time since last updating, that's pretty much all that's been going on: fear, worry, anger, emotion, drama, but most of all, prayer.

Anyways, I'll try to do the updating thing more often, but also, I'll pray more.

Lord, I pray for Christina, that she is safe, where ever she is, and that she is under your constant watch.

Amen.